There’s a question I’ve been asking myself lately when I feel sad, frustrated, lonely or angry. It helps me break out of the emotion & break into a brighter state of mind.
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What is between me and fully enjoying this moment?
What is it that’s keeping me from enjoying what’s right here, right now?
Usually, what’s keeping me from enjoying a particular moment are my feelings about something that happened in the past or my fear/uncertainty about something that might happen in the future.
Once I’ve recognized what’s between me & enjoying the present moment, I’ll remind myself that I need to leave the past in the past and that I don’t want to miss out on this moment right here because I’m thinking about something that has yet to come.
I was working through this the other day, writing in my journal about what thoughts were negatively impacting my mood in that moment, and the song “Heavy” by Birdtalker came on.
Leave what’s heavy
What’s heavy behind
If your face is down
Take a look around
Do your fingers move?
Do your lungs inflate?
Are you tired are you weary
Of the hidden hate you’ve been holding?
Did you lose that love?
Or have you never had it?
Are you feeling sad cause you did a bad thing?
Leave what’s heavy behind.
Whatever it is that’s weighing you down, you can set it down, even if just for a moment.
You don’t have to carry it in your thoughts all the time.
Leave what’s heavy behind.
If your face is down, take a look around…
What’s good? What’s right? What’s possible?
Pick your head up and travel lighter. Leave what’s heavy behind.
There’s an African proverb that was recently shared with me:
When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm.
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We are the cause of most of the pain in our lives. Our negativity. Doubts. Fears. Assumptions. Judgements.
When we doubt ourselves or act as our own harshest critic, not only does it slowly erode our happiness and confidence, it magnifies the doubts and criticisms of others.
It’s the root of our fear & insecurity.
But, when we work to eliminate that internal critic, when we work to establish belief in ourselves, our potential and our abilities – when we befriend ourselves, there’s no external critic that can be more powerful than our internal strength and belief.
However, this takes work. Often, we have to actively engage in repairing our relationship with ourselves. In building trust & belief while refusing to engage in negativity.
Though I just heard that African proverb today, it’s been tattooed on my back for years. Literally.
I got the only tattoo I have years ago after a trip to Ghana, Africa. It’s an African symbol that means “no one can do anything to me.”
It’s the same, right?
No one can do anything to me…except me.
If I’m against me, who will be for me?
But if I am militantly on my own side, there’s no one who can hurt me because their words & actions can’t match the power of my internal dialogue.
When you refuse to doubt yourself, you’ll refuse to indulge the doubts of others.
When you refuse to harm yourself, you’ll refuse it from others.
Our greatest obstacles are inside us.
Our greatest potential is within us.
Be militantly on your own side.
Refuse to speak or act against yourself.
It’s your thoughts and fears and doubts that haunt you most. They magnify the words and actions of others. They are the cause of all comparison & judgement.
YOU are the thinker. You are not your thoughts.
When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm.
How can you be on your own side today?
What can you do today to build belief in yourself today?
What can you do or not do today to improve the relationship you have with yourself?
The most dangerous excuses are true. The reason they keep winning out over your goals & intentions might be because you realize they are true so you don’t fight against them. You equate “true” and “right”.
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Here’s a super common example: You’re not going to get that workout in because it’s been a crazy day & you’re completely exhausted.
Yup, the day was crazy. Yup, you’re exhausted.
Because those things are true, you feel justified and validated in your choice to skip the workout.
Or, maybe you pledged to eat better today but you’re feeling really sad & since a cookie will cheer you up, you sit down to 3 handfuls of cookies.
It’s true: you’re sad. You love cookies, so they cheer you up a little.
Since those things are true, the cookies are now validated and you commence eating them.
The behavior makes sense to you. You’ve used an argument that not only makes sense, but gives you what you want in the moment.
It doesn’t, however, give you want you want in the long term or consider the entire truth of the situation, choice and consequences.
Because the best excuses are true, we’ve got to train ourselves to consider what else is true.
Just because something is true doesn’t mean it’s the most true thing or the only true thing.
We’ve got to stop making assumptions & choosing the most convenient truth.
When it comes to making choices & pursuing our goals, we often don’t tell ourselves the whole truth. We don’t even consider the whole truth.
It’s time to slow down, work to be less impulsive, less reactive and consider the whole picture.
For example, you might not want to get out of bed and get to work on time when you first wake.
Though your first impulse might be “I’m tired, I don’t want to go to work“, you consider the whole truth and the implications of that decision before making it.
You get up & go to work because avoiding the negative repercussions of staying home is more valuable than the momentary pleasure of staying in bed.
We can train ourselves to think that way more often.
In the case of skipping a workout because you’re tired, when you ask yourself what else is true, you might recognize that you’ll feel more energy after a workout. You might realize that working out will help you sleep better tonight so you can be more rested tomorrow. Or that increasing your fitness increases your energy long term so you don’t continue to feel like you’re at the mercy of your fatigue.
When you’re debating the cookies because you’re sad & it’s been a crazy day, you might realize that not making progress towards your goals makes you feel really sad, therefore choosing the cookies will ultimately make you more sad than taking great care of yourself. In fact, taking great care of yourself and making quality food choices improves your mood & confidence. You might also realize that eating well can’t be predicated on the type of day you’ve had or you’ll never create the consistency needed to make progress towards your goals. You might realize that food is the solution to hunger, not the solution to stress.
Don’t accept an excuse simply because it’s true.
Slow down and ask yourself: is this the full truth?
What else is true?
How does this choice impact what I want most?
How will I feel about this choice tomorrow?
Is this choice going to take me where I want to go?
How can I meet myself in the middle?
What would be an improved choice?
How can I make myself proud?
Just for today, how can I make a great choice?
Is this an opportunity to be seized or a temptation to be resisted?
In today’s episode I’m talking about the danger of participating in our own problems instead of participating in the solutions.
When we complain, blame, rehash the past, gossip, explain & justify, we are participating in the problem, not the solution.
When we participate in the problem, our energy, attention, time & effort are going to proving that we are right and that our struggle is real instead of going towards getting it right, regardless of the details.
This is, without a doubt, one of my favorite episodes of the podcast so far. You’ve got to hear this one!
In October 2019, our relationship with Thrive Market changed. They decided to put their marketing dollars in avenues outside of podcasting but we still think they’re a good choice if you’re looking to save money on health & personal care products.
There is a quote that changed my life. When I first heard the quote, I was in a tough spot in my life. I woke up every morning with severe anxiety. I was afraid to check my work email because there were so routinely angry, accusatory emails in there that would set the tone for what I could expect when I got to the office.
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In many ways, I hated my job. I was always on edge. I cried most days – usually more than once. It wasn’t a healthy environment and I went through each day and to each meeting just waiting for the next explosion. Hearing my name over the paging system would be met with sympathetic glances and “good lucks!” from my colleagues, not to mention feeling like I might pee my pants.
I complained about it a lot. I worked all the time. Taking days off was never worth it because of the drama waiting for me when I returned.
On the flip side, I was good at the work. I found it interesting and challenging. I had a strong support system in the office of people I really loved & cared about. It paid me well. It helped me get out of debt. I was learning a lot. I was accumulating awesome experiences. In hindsight, that job helped me develop the mental toughness that serves me so well as a business owner. That’s why I stayed but it’s certainly not what I focused on…
I made myself a victim of my circumstances. I focused exclusively on the problems.
I was unhappy & it was my job’s fault.
I was too stressed and tired from my work to take care of myself. I turned to food to respond to the stress.
I blamed my job for my weight, when the reality is that I was overweight before the job, too.
I wasn’t taking responsibility for my choices.
One day, I read a quote from the poet Rumi:
Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?
The door was wide open. I could leave any time.
I wasn’t applying for other jobs. In fact, when I had applied for another job, it was offered to me & I turned it down. Actually, that happened 3 times. I was offered 3 jobs and ultimately chose to stay where I was, unhappily. Usually because of the money.
I was so quick to blame my boss and the owners of the company.
I was so quick to point out the dysfunctional management team and corporate culture I thought would never change.
Ultimately, it was on me.
I drove there every day, early. No one forced me.
I stayed late every day, by choice. No one made me do it. Plenty of other people left at 5.
I checked and responded to emails at night & on the weekends. That was my choice. They came to expect it because I set that expectation through my own behavior.
I could have quit. I could have accepted a different job.
But I stayed. I wasn’t in prison. No one forced me to go there and take a paycheck from them.
When I heard that Rumi quote, “Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?” I stopped complaining.
I stopped blaming management.
I began to fully embrace the fact that I was there by choice and if it was so bad, I could make the choice to leave.
It took a few months before I realized how this quote applied to my personal life, too.
I was miserable. I was obese. I hated my body and desperately wanted to lose weight, get fit and be healthy.
But I was creating the prison I lived in.
Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?
No one made me overeat. It was my choice.
No one was stopping me from making better food choices.
I wasn’t stuck in that obese body. I was creating it. I was choosing it.
The door is so wide open.
I wasn’t stuck.
You aren’t stuck.
We are a product of our choices.
You don’t have to settle. You can expect more of yourself. You can push yourself. You can change. You can choose a different reality.
Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?
