Change feels hard. I get it. Often, it feels hard because we’re going about it the wrong way.
Our tendency is to focus on changing our actions and our choices. What this approach overlooks is the simple fact that our thoughts drive our choices.
Conscious or subsconscious, a series of thoughts predede our choices and talk us into or out of whatever decision we make.
If you don’t change your thoughts, it will continue to be mighty hard to change your choices.
Of course that begs the question: HOW?
Most of us feel like our thoughts arise so quickly & automatically that they’re nearly impossible to change. It sounds nice in theory “just think differently!” but how do we turn that into a daily practice?
That is the entire focus of today’s practical episode with modern mindfulness expert and host of the Mind Love podcast, Melissa Monte. Don’t miss this one!
In today’s episode I mentioned that you can download my Hormones & Fat Loss Guide for free. Click here to get your copy!
In October 2019, our relationship with Thrive Market changed. They decided to put their marketing dollars in avenues outside of podcasting but we still think they’re a good choice if you’re looking to save money on health & personal care products.
Every month, we have a live webinar in the Primal Potential Masters Club. We’re usually talking about strategies to create change and implementation of ideas from whatever book we’re exploring that month.
At their request, we’re working through Chasing Cupcakes this month and at the start of the webinar we were sharing our answers to the question, “What change do you want to create?”
One client said, “I want to be excited about my day. I want to feel proud and determined. It’s not important what I’m trying to accomplish; the goal is the feeling.”
If you’d rather listen to this email than read it, please click play below. Otherwise, keep on reading!
The goal is the feeling.
Yes, this is an idea I talk about at length in the book – differentiating between the external goal and the internal target, but you know, sometimes you have to hear something at the right time for it to hit you in the right way.
It was the perfect moment for me to hear this familiar message that suddenly felt new.
As soon as she said it, it shifted something in my thinking. It showed me a flaw in how I was approaching one of my own primary goals.
She continued, “It’s about the commitment to the process.”
Committing to the process more than attaching to the outcome is something I encourage all the time but “the goal is the feeling” takes that to an even more valuable and specific level!
Think about it this way: we can commit to the process with a bad attitude or as a martyr. We can commit to the process while we moan and groan about the choices we’re making.
We can make all sorts of great choices and still be unhappy, disconnected and unfulfilled.
However, when the FEELING is the goal, we immunize ourselves against the negative-perspectives that often go along with goal pursuits. We ensure that the work we’re doing and the tasks we’re executing deliver the kind of life we’re wanting to create.
As soon as she said this, I started thinking about one of my own goals and processes.
I shared with the Masters Club that my #1 priority this year is joyful, fulfilling relationships. I used my relationship with my boyfriend as an example.
If you were to look at how I spend my time – just look at my calendar – it would tell you that my work is my priority.
When he wakes up, I’m working. He knows I’m working and tries to stay out of my hair. I say good morning, give him a kiss and ask how he slept, but then I’m right back to work.
My process-oriented approach to making a change so that my relationship is my #1 priority in ACTION, not just in my head, has been based on specific actions (not feelings). I was doing things like:
Closing my computer when he wakes up
Making time for cooking meals for him to take to work instead of telling myself I’m too busy
Not huffing and puffing if he asks me to do something during my work time
It was a very task-focused approach to improving my relationship.
However: when I heard “the goal is the feeling” I instantly saw the flaw in my approach.
I want to feel more connected. I want there to be more joy and lightheartedness in my relationship.
I can execute all the above things and still not create those feelings I’m after of joy, connectedness and lightheartedness.
I can give him more time and be more present but still not hit the target I’m striving for.
When I implement my client’s mantra – the goal is the feeling – my strategy shifts and the results are so much more aligned with what I really want.
How can I create more connectedness today?
How can our interactions be more lighthearted today?
How can I infuse joy into our time together today?
No surprise, my answers have nothing to do with cooking dinner or closing my laptop!
It was a big shift for me.
It made me think of one of my other Masters Club friends who shared that she realized she was going about the “great mom and wife” pursuit the wrong way.
She spent so much time and energy cleaning the house, making meals and keeping everyone organized, but the vibe in her home wasn’t the vibe she wanted. She wasn’t FEELING how she wanted to feel and neither were her husband or her kids.
She decided to ask her family, “What makes you feel loved by me? When are you enjoying our time together most?”
They didn’t say anything about the laundry being done, the house being clean or the lengths she went to to make homemade bone broth.
They wanted her to snuggle. They wanted her to listen. They wanted her to laugh and play.
When the GOAL is the FEELING, everything shifts!
Guys, this isn’t just about relationships.The same thing is true with nutrition.
When we’re process oriented – committed to a process of eating well – that might look like discipline and willpower.
I need to eat more veggies
I need to snack less often
I need to stop eating after dinner
We can commit to that process and hate it the whole way along.
Maybe we’re eating well but we aren’t happy.
If the goal is the feeling, it shifts everything.
I want to feel proud and confident. I want to feel full of energy. What choices will make me feel that way?
When you decide to be led by how you want to feel, you’ve created a hedge against negativity and martyrdom.
That single shift makes the pursuit much more pleasurable, increasing our changes of consistency.
The joy is in the journey.
If not, shift your perspective.
The goal is the feeling.
How do you want to feel?
What choices facilitate those feelings?
What choices don’t make you feel the way you want to feel?
What can you do about it today?
These questions and perspective shifts are really the essence of Chasing Cupcakes.
If you haven’t started the book because you’re not a big reader, I’ve got a special opportunity for you. I was asking my publisher how we might encourage the non-readers (simply because reading has absolutely transformed my life and the way I think) and we came up with an idea.
If you listen to music or podcasts, try listening to Chasing Cupcakes. If you’re new to Audible, you can get a free Audible trial membership AND a free audiobook by going to audibletrial.com/primalpotential
You don’t have to start with Chasing Cupcakes. But you will get a free month to try out Audible and a free book to start with – of your choice!
Make today amazing by considering how you want to feel and identifying the choices that contribute to that feeling as well as the choices that impair or impede that feeling.
Today we’re talking about two different but very deceptive thought patterns that keep people from creating change in their lives.
One is the mindset of “I know”, where you dismiss information, strategies and tools you’re already familiar with instead of grabbing the opportunity presented by the reminder to take action on them. It really doesn’t matter if you “you know”, what matters is whether or not you’re doing those things.
The second is the mindset of “I don’t know” – a pattern of letting yourself off the hook and letting uncertainty be a stopping point. It should be a starting point.
If there is a gap between when you know and what you do, this episode is one you can’t miss!
If you want to listen to Chasing Cupcakes for free, new Audible customers can register via this link to get a free Audible trial membership plus a free book!
The Spring 12 Weeks to Transformation kicks off Sunday April 7th and registration will open up to the wait list in mid-March. Click here to jump on the wait list!
To learn more about the 12 Weeks to Transformation, take a listen to episodes 546 and 550 of the Primal Potential podcast.
Save the date! ASCEND 2019 will be in Portland, Oregon November 8-10th, 2019. To be the first to hear about tickets and event information, make sure you’re on the wait list!
In October 2019, our relationship with Thrive Market changed. They decided to put their marketing dollars in avenues outside of podcasting but we still think they’re a good choice if you’re looking to save money on health & personal care products.
Is it possible that you’re actually telling rational lies?
Just because it’s your answer doesn’t mean it’s the truth.
In today’s episode, we’re looking at rational lies, times when we rationalize and how to break the patterns that keep us from living the lives we want.
To create change, you have to get off the sidelines where you’re watching and planning and into the game where you’re taking action and doing the work.
Just yesterday I got this email:
How do I DO the work, to get off the sidelines and get DOING instead of fretting and doing nothing?
If you’d rather listen to this blog than read it, please hit play below. Otherwise, keep on reading.
Most of us intellectually understand that we need to do the work, but struggle with the most important part.
How do I get myself to do it?
How do I get myself to stop making excuses and actually do the things I already KNOW I should be doing?
How do I get myself to take the steps that will create the result I want so badly?
The answer to that question is exactly why I wrote Chasing Cupcakes. To help people make that shift, today and every day, that eluded me for so long.
For most of my life, I felt the same way.
I knew I should eat better but I kept making excuses and putting it off
I knew I should watch less TV but I settled for hours of laying around every night
I knew I’d feel better if I exercised but I wasn’t ever doing it
I knew I should get my finances organized and start spending less, but nothing was changing
I was deep in a cycle of continuous learning and planning.
I would think about the changes I wanted to make and I’d voraciously consume as much information about strategy and tactic as I could find. I’d plan my approach and chart my expected progress, but never launch. Or, if I’d begin, I’d give up in hours or days.
I didn’t need to learn more. I didn’t need to plan more. I didn’t need to think or strategize more. I simply needed to DO more and do it more consistently.
So back to the question…
How do you get off the sidelines and into the game?
Immediately, right now, shift your attention from the problem to the solution.
To take action, you have to turn your attention to the action you’re able and willing to take TODAY. Not in theory, not in general, not tomorrow or Monday.
Today.
Identify one thing you’re able and willing to DO in the next hour that represents an improvement for you.
If I were to participate in the solution TODAY, what would that look like? Of those things, which am I able and willing to do right away?
I have invested thousands of hours into creating tools to help people make this shift. I’ve mentioned Chasing Cupcakes and that’s absolutely one of them. It’s not a rule book. It’s a tool book. It’s not there to help you learn, it’s there to help you change.
The other is the 12 Weeks to Transformation – a carefully guided journey to help you build a foundation of action and awareness. Registration opens a few times a year and our next group kicks off on April 7th, 2019. The wait list is presently open so if you want to learn more, make sure you’re on that wait list!
Fortunately, you can start right now. You don’t have to wait until you finish Chasing Cupcakes. You don’t have to wait until our 12 Week journey together this spring. You can start right now by asking and answering these questions.
Just for today, what are you willing and able to do that is an improvement for you?
What is one action step you’re able and willing to take today that moves you in the direction of the goal you have?
What is your next best choice?
How can you win the next 5 minutes?
These questions are tools you can use in any & every moment to get off the sidelines and into the game.
