Every month, we have a live webinar in the Primal Potential Masters Club. We’re usually talking about strategies to create change and implementation of ideas from whatever book we’re exploring that month.
At their request, we’re working through Chasing Cupcakes this month and at the start of the webinar we were sharing our answers to the question, “What change do you want to create?”
One client said, “I want to be excited about my day. I want to feel proud and determined. It’s not important what I’m trying to accomplish; the goal is the feeling.”
If you’d rather listen to this email than read it, please click play below. Otherwise, keep on reading!
The goal is the feeling.
Yes, this is an idea I talk about at length in the book – differentiating between the external goal and the internal target, but you know, sometimes you have to hear something at the right time for it to hit you in the right way.
It was the perfect moment for me to hear this familiar message that suddenly felt new.
As soon as she said it, it shifted something in my thinking. It showed me a flaw in how I was approaching one of my own primary goals.
She continued, “It’s about the commitment to the process.”
Committing to the process more than attaching to the outcome is something I encourage all the time but “the goal is the feeling” takes that to an even more valuable and specific level!
Think about it this way: we can commit to the process with a bad attitude or as a martyr. We can commit to the process while we moan and groan about the choices we’re making.
We can make all sorts of great choices and still be unhappy, disconnected and unfulfilled.
However, when the FEELING is the goal, we immunize ourselves against the negative-perspectives that often go along with goal pursuits. We ensure that the work we’re doing and the tasks we’re executing deliver the kind of life we’re wanting to create.
As soon as she said this, I started thinking about one of my own goals and processes.
I shared with the Masters Club that my #1 priority this year is joyful, fulfilling relationships. I used my relationship with my boyfriend as an example.
If you were to look at how I spend my time – just look at my calendar – it would tell you that my work is my priority.
When he wakes up, I’m working. He knows I’m working and tries to stay out of my hair. I say good morning, give him a kiss and ask how he slept, but then I’m right back to work.
My process-oriented approach to making a change so that my relationship is my #1 priority in ACTION, not just in my head, has been based on specific actions (not feelings). I was doing things like:
- Closing my computer when he wakes up
- Making time for cooking meals for him to take to work instead of telling myself I’m too busy
- Not huffing and puffing if he asks me to do something during my work time
It was a very task-focused approach to improving my relationship.
However: when I heard “the goal is the feeling” I instantly saw the flaw in my approach.
I want to feel more connected. I want there to be more joy and lightheartedness in my relationship.
I can execute all the above things and still not create those feelings I’m after of joy, connectedness and lightheartedness.
I can give him more time and be more present but still not hit the target I’m striving for.
When I implement my client’s mantra – the goal is the feeling – my strategy shifts and the results are so much more aligned with what I really want.
How can I create more connectedness today?
How can our interactions be more lighthearted today?
How can I infuse joy into our time together today?
No surprise, my answers have nothing to do with cooking dinner or closing my laptop!
It was a big shift for me.
It made me think of one of my other Masters Club friends who shared that she realized she was going about the “great mom and wife” pursuit the wrong way.
She spent so much time and energy cleaning the house, making meals and keeping everyone organized, but the vibe in her home wasn’t the vibe she wanted. She wasn’t FEELING how she wanted to feel and neither were her husband or her kids.
She decided to ask her family, “What makes you feel loved by me? When are you enjoying our time together most?”
They didn’t say anything about the laundry being done, the house being clean or the lengths she went to to make homemade bone broth.
They wanted her to snuggle. They wanted her to listen. They wanted her to laugh and play.
When the GOAL is the FEELING, everything shifts!
Guys, this isn’t just about relationships.The same thing is true with nutrition.
When we’re process oriented – committed to a process of eating well – that might look like discipline and willpower.
- I need to eat more veggies
- I need to snack less often
- I need to stop eating after dinner
We can commit to that process and hate it the whole way along.
Maybe we’re eating well but we aren’t happy.
If the goal is the feeling, it shifts everything.
I want to feel proud and confident. I want to feel full of energy. What choices will make me feel that way?
When you decide to be led by how you want to feel, you’ve created a hedge against negativity and martyrdom.
That single shift makes the pursuit much more pleasurable, increasing our changes of consistency.
The joy is in the journey.
If not, shift your perspective.
The goal is the feeling.
How do you want to feel?
What choices facilitate those feelings?
What choices don’t make you feel the way you want to feel?
What can you do about it today?
These questions and perspective shifts are really the essence of Chasing Cupcakes.
If you haven’t started the book because you’re not a big reader, I’ve got a special opportunity for you. I was asking my publisher how we might encourage the non-readers (simply because reading has absolutely transformed my life and the way I think) and we came up with an idea.
If you listen to music or podcasts, try listening to Chasing Cupcakes. If you’re new to Audible, you can get a free Audible trial membership AND a free audiobook by going to audibletrial.com/primalpotential
You don’t have to start with Chasing Cupcakes. But you will get a free month to try out Audible and a free book to start with – of your choice!
Make today amazing by considering how you want to feel and identifying the choices that contribute to that feeling as well as the choices that impair or impede that feeling.
Every choice is a chance!