A few weeks ago I had a bad night. I went into it tired (which can always go very badly) and I got some news I didn’t want to hear. I immediately started crying. Had I been home, I probably would have gone to bed and that would have been the end of it.
I wasn’t at home. I was out of town. And there was cake. Tired + Tears + Cake…… It doesn’t get much more risky than that for me!
I started to convince myself to have the cake. “Seriously, who cares? You’re on vacation. It’s one night and you deserve a little break. Have a piece of cake and have a drink too! Oh, and remember that nutella in the cabinet? That would be amazing. You’re upset and this will take your mind off it. You’ve been so good for so long. Just take the night to forget all about this eating clean/primal/fat loss stuff. Enjoy yourself.”
I was so tempted. It wasn’t even a cake I really wanted. I wasn’t hungry. I was tired and emotional and that’s all it took to start arguing with myself “Who cares? It’s one night. And honestly, if you gained a couple pounds, what the hell. It’s no big deal.”
There was a time that I would have given in to the cake in a heartbeat. I’d have happily fallen for the argument and devoured a couple pieces. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have stopped there. I’d have walked up to the store and bought ice cream because, hey, if I’m gonna do it, let’s do it right, right?
But I didn’t have the cake. I engaged in the conversation with the part of me that was trying to argue “Who cares? Just do it!”.
I care. I’m not falling for that anymore. I’m not going to medicate myself with food. I’m not going to let my cravings be greater than my will. I’m not going to be the type of woman who gives in easily.
I reminded myself of what I’d feel like after eating the cake. I reminded myself that it probably wouldn’t even taste that great but I’d look in the mirror before bed and feel frustrated. I’d be irritated with myself and the sadness from earlier would be compounded with guilt. I’d wake up in the morning wondering why I gave in to my emotions and why I couldn’t recognize that it was merely a perfect storm of fatigue, emotion and opportunity.
I sat down at the table next to the cake with a bottle of water and reminded myself that I am stronger than every obstacle before me. Every good decision I make reinforces the woman I am becoming.
I had a good night.