Today’s episode is a hybrid – part book club episode, part manifesto on your ability, independent of all circumstances, to create change.
I read an amazing book called You Are the Placebo and it came to mind immediately when I got a couple of critical comments about episode 490 of the podcast. That episode garnered over 400 emails, text messages, direct messages & social media comments from people who found it helpful and inspiring. It also garnered two critical comments from listeners. Both felt they needed to inform me that depression isn’t a choice. Interestingly, I agree and never said it was. I do, however, believe that in every circumstance, we DO have power to create change.
That is what we are diving into, especially the science behind our thoughts, in today’s episode. This is, without question, one of my favorite recent episodes! Don’t miss it!
I really enjoyed Joshua Medcalf’s book Chop Wood, Carry Water. The title refers to one of my favorite Zen sayings: Before enlightment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightment, chop wood, carry water.
For years I’ve adapted that Zen wisdom with my clients and in my own life.
Before success, chop wood, carry water. Do the grunt work. Do the work, period. Hammer the basics.
After success, chop wood, carry water. You don’t ease off, you keep doing the grunt work and hammering the basics.
To create success, your habits, choices and behaviors should look remarkably consistent during and after.
In the book, Medcalf tells a story of a frustrated young student, wishing to become a Samurai archer.
The mentor explains the following…
“First year, you must learn to aim with your eyes. Second year, you must learn to draw your bow smoothly, hold it stable, and aim with your muscles. Third year, you must learn to breathe slowly, control your diaphragm, and aim with your lungs. I have been chopping wood and carrying water for forty-nine years. And while you may only aim with your eyes and your muscles and your lungs right now, I aim with everything.”
Friend, when it comes to creating change, we have a tendency to aim only with our choices. We focus on what we should be doing more or less of. We need to eat more vegetables, less sugar. We need to sleep more, watch TV less. We need to save more, spend less. We are aiming with our choices.
We dramatically accelerate our progress and make change significantly easier when we aim with everything.
Aim with your thoughts.
Aim with your prayers.
Aim with how you spend your time.
Aim with the music you listen to.
Aim with the people you surround yourself with.
Aim with your choices, but also with everything else.
This past weekend I took a solo road trip to New York City. On the way there, I listened to a book recommended by a friend: Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver.
If you’d rather listen to this blog than read it, please click play. Otherwise, keep reading below.
The book is about living more by living with less. While it wasn’t a book I totally loved, I do agree with lots of the concepts. (In fairness, I think I didn’t love it because I’ve already made so many strides in terms of simplicity. Heck, I built a tiny house and got rid of 50% of my stuff! For that reason, it wasn’t super interesting to me.) I would absolutely recommend it for someone who feels like they have too much: too much debt, too much stuff, too much clutter, too much stress.
She did say one thing that I wanted to be sure to share with you.
The place between ease & stress is called steadiness.
I used to feel like either I was going all out, all in, full-throttle-effort or I was slacking.
I used to feel like either I was committed to eating clean & being disciplined with my food choices OR I was eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.
I used to feel like I was either working with unrelenting focus and crazy hours or I was scaling back and coasting.
I think most people live in these extremes. We give ourselves credit when we’re on full blast and we beat ourselves up when we’re not.
Life isn’t that way. It’s just not true. Sure, you can choose to see it that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s the way things are.
Friends, I am really excited for today’s episode! If you are struggling to stay motivated, this conversation about change being hard versus not changing being hard is one you need to hear. Is it really hard or is it an easier life that is simply unpracticed & unfamiliar? That’s what we’re exploring today! Don’t miss it!
The other day I got an email from a podcast listener and former client in response to episode 485 on body shame & negative self talk. I’m not going to say much about it – instead, I got the author’s permission to share it with you!
EB,
I loved the recent episode (485) with Tamar and she has really inspired me. I have been struggling with this rebrand idea, even before I knew that’s what I was trying to do (probably going on a year now). I think I remember her from a previous episode (having to do with eating holiday cookies), which I remember well, and I liked her honesty and insights on that one too.
I don’t know if Tamar has Fan Mail, but please pass along to her if you can or feel comfortable doing so. 🙂
When she was talking about being mean to herself and saying that no one has been saying or doing some of the things for some time, but she “picked up the gauntlet they threw down” and continued to berate herself, I teared up in the middle of walking the dog, listening to the podcast. I too have carried the same self-directed mean-spiritedness for far too long and need to move on and be as kind to myself as I am to others. It is not good enough for me any more.
I have been trying to reflect on what my *next big goal* is for over a year now and been spinning my wheels. I actually dropped out of the master’s group around the time of reading “The One Thing” because I couldn’t find my one thing. I have read many motivational books and journaled and reached analysis paralysis many times over on this issue with relation to my career and personal growth (midlife crisis? finding meaning with what’s left and what I do with it).
But until I heard Tamar say she was not going to accept being mean to herself anymore, “This is Me”, I am glorious…I didn’t realize why. She said she wrote a letter to herself and “Fat Tamar” said ‘why are you so mean to me?’ She also mentioned something like “I am ferocious about being kind to people” because she has been put down and knows how it feels. In that moment I realized this is why I have not been able to unslump myself, because I am way to mean to myself. I have always been very hard on myself and driven, but in recent years, I have hit a momentary loss of direction.
I am always chasing the next thing, rather than celebrating something I accomplished, like I am not worthy of it. Now seeing my daughter be hard on herself and belittle her own accomplishments, made it really hit home.
For several years after my kids were born, I assumed losing weight would make me happier. It didn’t. I lost it all and then some, but the pounds have nothing to do with it. I thought being fitter would make me happier. It didn’t, it was never enough. I do enjoy exercise and physical challenges, but it is more for the way I can push my self and feel healthier and stronger. But the key, as Tamar was mentioning this is the real issue, not the dietary and physical challenges, those were easy. The mental roadblocks and self-talk are the Big Rocks, as you said, there would always “be a darkness in you that hurts” until you start being nicer to yourself.
When you told Tamar “Your unhappiness comes from you” and “you are not kind to yourself” and “you wouldn’t hold yourself to those same standards… You are robbing joy from yourself by choosing to be a dick to yourself.” It was like I was right there in the conversation, because that to, was me. I was a total dick to myself on the regular. In fact, I may have not ever strung together a week of being nice to myself since I was maybe 5?
So pondering my rebrand as an exercise for several weeks now and where and how I want to be, I was inspired by this and by Tamar and the previous caller who was Proudly Disciplined. I was thinking about how I am with others and how proud I am of them and I always let them know what a great job they are doing, that ferocity Tamar mentioned and BOOM it came to me:
I am Fiercely Proud & Proudly Fierce!
That is the person I want to be. That is the person I am for other people and who I want to be for myself. I want to do things that make me proud every day and also not be a timid wallflower that shies away from a compliment or even simply talking to people. I want to create things I am proud of and do work that matters to me, that I enjoy with passion. Instead of thinking I am not enough and trying to tell myself “I am enough every day”, but not truly believing it. This lit a fire. As soon as I started saying this to myself, I was immediately more confident and nicer to myself. Instead of that inner voice saying “I don’t know how that will ever happen for you,” or “It’s not good enough,” or “You can’t do that” etc, I now shut them up with “I am fiercely proud and proudly fierce!” and find a way to make that true. By doing one thing each day to make that true.
So THANK YOU EB and TAMAR for being so real, so raw, and so honest. You truly do inspire me and so many others!
