I receive hundreds of emails each week and there is one theme I see more than any other. Every time I see it I know exactly why the sender is struggling.
If you’d rather listen to this blog than read it, please click play. Otherwise, keep reading below.
Before I tell you what the problem is, I’m going to show you. Here’s an email I got just the other day.
Why am I so comfortable failing and so uncomfortable winning the day?? It’s almost as if I fight for failure. For me there is a 4 hour window that I need to be okay being uncomfortable with (boredom). 4-8 pm is my 4 hours of winning or losing the day. Strangely enough choosing bad choices is easier. Not easier tomorrow but so easy and comfortable at the moment even at the expense of tomorrow. Sounds ridiculous but a destructive habit I have subscribed to.
What do you notice about this email?
It is 100% focused on the problem.
It is 0% focused on the solution.
This email is explaining, justifying, arguing for and attaching to the problem. When you’re so deeply engaged in the problem, you’re not engaged in the solution! You can’t be! You aren’t even trying!You’re just making yourself a victim of the problem. That’s not how change happens. In fact, that’s how to ensure you keep change from happening.
I asked some questions in my response and encouraged her to focus on the solution. Here’s part of the reply:
I am noticing that I struggle on the days that I am home alone and bored. The hours from about 4 pm until I go to bed are extremely uncomfortable for me unless I am sipping on wine. It’s worse with wine than any other food because after a few glasses I don’t care about what I eat and it leads into a binge. I do realize that once this clicks and I conquer this I am going to be so much happier. Boredom is definitely what I am uncomfortable with plus the habit of using wine to not be bored and fill those hours before bedtime.
How much of that is about the solution?
Guys, you are either participating in the problem or you’re participating in the solution.
We give so much energy, attention and time to the problem – to explaining it, rationalizing it, complaining about it, justifying it and making ourselves a victim of it. When you do that, you’re not trying to fix it. Even if you want to fix it, you can’t simultaneously be part of the problem and part of the solution.
Refuse to give your attention and energy to the problem.
Participate exclusively in solutions.
I shared on the podcast a few months ago that when my new tiny house was delivered, I was inundated with problems. Day after day, minute after minute, a new problem emerged.
It would have been so easy to dive into the problems. To kick, scream, complain, argue, blame and vent about the problems. But, where would that get me? Officially: no where.
I decided to exclusively participate in the solution. I wouldn’t indulge any conversations about blame or explanation. I just wanted to talk about solutions. How would we make it right? What were our options? What could we do?
That changed the game. Not only did fixes begin to happen, but I was happier and more peaceful. Contractors and manufacturers were less defensive. It made a massive difference.
When I work with clients, this is something I coach on every single day. I get it. There’s a problem. I get it, you’re irritated by it. Maybe you’re frustrated or confused. I understand.
But how about we work together to focus on potential solutions and what you can do to today to create a resolution?
There is no circumstance that takes away your ever-present super power: the power of choice.
No matter how much time you have, how much stress you’re under, how upset you are or how inconsistent your past has been, you still hold the transformative power of choice.
It’s always with you.
In today’s episode we’re talking about a major barrier to change: elevating your circumstances, diminishing yourself and convincing yourself that you are small & powerless in the face of things that happen to and around you.
It’s just not true. Today, we’re taking your power back. Today, you’ll refuse to diminish yourself and step into your power.
In October 2019, our relationship with Thrive Market changed. They decided to put their marketing dollars in avenues outside of podcasting but we still think they’re a good choice if you’re looking to save money on health & personal care products.
It’s high time for a brief post, eh? I’ve been getting a bit wordy over here lately!
There is a lie you believe, a story you tell yourself, that is making change much harder than it needs to be.
If you’d rather listen to this blog than read it, please click play. Otherwise, keep reading below.
Here’s the lie:
Your circumstances are more powerful than you are.
Your temptations, excuses & exceptions are bigger than you are.
It’s not true. It’s not even a little true.
You are exponentially stronger and more powerful than every circumstance in your life, than every temptation, every excuse, every exception, every doubt and delay.
When you convince yourself that your obstacles & habits are so big & overwhelming, you’re convincing yourself that you’re small.
You’re not.
You’re powerful.
It’s a matter of convincing. You’ve talked yourself into a lie. If you don’t quite buy it, you need to listen to episode 447 of the podcast. Now. Don’t wait.
You’ve repeatedly heard me talk about the book the The Motivation Manifesto by Brendon Burchard on the podcast. and I want to leave you with a few words from that book.
Why, having been endowed with the courageous heart of a lion, do we live as mice?
We must look squarely into our own tired eyes and examine why we waste so much time sniffing at every distraction, why we cower at the thought of revealing our true selves to the world, why we scurry so quickly from conflict, and why we consent to play small. We must ask why we participate so humbly in society’s frantic race, allowing our- selves into its mazes of mediocrity and settling for scraps of reward when nature has offered unlimited freedom, power, and abundance to the bold, the determined, the creative, the independent—to each of us. We must ask if our desires to feel safe and accepted are in fact enslaving us to popular opinion—and to boredom. We must ask: When will we be ready to ascend to another level of existence?
Stop with the story of your smallness. Stop convincing yourself that your excuses are so much bigger than you are.
The other day I listened to Dan Heath share a story about college professors. It really moved me & inspired this episode. Here’s a quick summary of the story he told.
A group of college professors were asked what one or two things they’d want their students to remember 10 years later. Of all the things they’d teach, what was most important that they carry with them, understand or know how to do years into the future?
The professors all shared their answers.
Then, they were asked what percentage of their syllabus was dedicated to teaching that thing.
Very little, it turned out. Not nearly enough.
I thought about that question. If there was ONE SINGLE THING I could impress upon you guys with my podcast, one single skill, habit or mindset that I could guarantee you mastered and carried with you, what would it be?
Today, I’m sharing that thing with you.
I’m also promising to talk about & teach this thing much more regularly.
Enjoy the episode! If you have questions or there are parts of it you want me to go more deeply into, make sure to leave a comment!
In October 2019, our relationship with Thrive Market changed. They decided to put their marketing dollars in avenues outside of podcasting but we still think they’re a good choice if you’re looking to save money on health & personal care products.
Yesterday, I kicked off a 5 part series on specific mindset shifts that have changed my life. We are all capable of making different choices, but lasting change requires not just that we act differently, but that we think differently. Changing the way you think is often more challenging but also, more impactful. To read the first post in this series, click here.
If you’d rather listen to this blog than read it, please click the play button. Otherwise, keep reading below!
The other day I was out to dinner and the waiter brought a basket of hot bread to the table. I picked up a piece, smelled it and set it back down.
“Not worth it“, I thought.
For most of my life, I’d have gobbled that bread up until the basket was empty & then secretly hoped that the waiter would refill it.
As I drove home I thought, “Did I used to just think everything was worth it?”
When I’d eat a stale pack of hostess cupcakes from a very questionable gas station, did I think it was worth it?
No. I don’t think I did.
I just didn’t think about it. “Worthiness” wasn’t part of my decision making criteria.
There wasn’t much to my decision making criteria beyond, “I want it.”
I didn’t want to deny myself. I had no practice in thinking beyond that initial impulse & desire.
That brings me to the 2nd major mindset shift.
I evaluate whether or not something is worth it before I eat it.
And if I think it is worth it, I check myself after the first bite. Was I right? Is it worth it?
It doesn’t matter if it’s the bread, a drink I ordered, a protein bar or basket of sweet potato fries. I ask myself,
Is it worth it?
Am I going to enjoy it?
Considering that question reminds me that I can have anything I want, but I can’t have everything I want.
That’s true of food but it’s also true in life. I can give into every single indulgence & temptation. But if I do that, I can’t have high energy. I can’t be fit. I can’t be my heathiest self.
When I was at my heaviest, I ate lots of things I didn’t really enjoy. I’d eat an entire bag of average tortilla chips. They weren’t delicious. I ate them because they were there.
I’d scarf down $30 worth of sub-par chinese food. Was it good? Not really. Worth it? Jesus no. But, it was there.
That would never happen now.
I routinely leave drinks unfinished because it’s not worth it. I routinely throw away a protein bar or leave a bread basket untouched because for me, at that moment, it just wasn’t worth it.
Here’s an important clarification: sometimes I think it’s worth it before I start eating but a bite or two shows that it’s not in fact worth it.
Taking a bite isn’t a commitment. Just because I’ve started doesn’t mean I have to finish.
In fact, I’ve found that the first few bites are the best. After the first few bites, I’m not usually paying much attention.
I try to build the habit of asking myself again, after a few bites, “Is it worth it?”
Also, sometimes I just don’t know. When I’m on the fence, not sure if something is worth it or not, I’ll ask a couple additional questions like,
Would I go out of my way to get this?
Would I pay for this?
The other day, while at a conference, there were a couple of Andes mints included in my conference lunch. I wouldn’t go out of my way to drive to the store at buy Andes mints, ever. So, they aren’t worth it.
What is worth it, for me, varies depending on the day. .
I love ice cream but most ice cream isn’t worth it. A random red velvet cupcake from the grocery store bakery? Nah.
The Andes mints in my conference lunch? No. Not worth it.
Tequila shot with a friend? It depends.
Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes no.
That’s why we have to keep asking the questions.
Is it worth it?
Am I going to be glad I ate this?
Will I feel better tomorrow if I say no?
If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to?
We can have anything we want, we just can’t have everything we want.
